Back by popular demand...

Yes, I am once again watching DWTS. I was going to skip my predictions this year because…well…to be honest I wanted to quit while I was ahead. I have been fairly successful for the past few seasons and you just hate to mess that up. It’s always better to go out on top, right?

Unfortunately for me (fortunately for you) a number have emailed asking why I haven’t done my predictions yet. Well, dear readers, for you I’ll do just about anything. So – before the result show tonight but after seeing the first two (three) nights of dancing – here they are.
Before I start I should note that I did indeed go to the live show this past year as a birthday gift from Amy. It was awesome. Also – I have heard the rumors about Cheryl and Drew. I will make no comment on that...it’s their business.

So – in no particular order – the dancers (and their partners):

Penn Jillette and Kym Johnson – poor Penn. He is huge. Absolutely huge. He is like the size of Dr. Frankenstein’s creature. Kym is tiny…in case you’ve never seen her. I worry that the size issue is going to be a problem for them. Penn is certainly excited to be on the show and I think that he will work hard, I just don’t think it will last for more than a few weeks. He is too awkward. This makes me feel awful for Kym who, after winning in Australia, has been cursed with “bad” celebrities in America.

Steve Guttenberg and Anna Trebunskaya – hurm…Steve Guttenberg, eh? Police Academy, Three Men and a Baby, Short Circuit – at least he is finally doing something worth while. This should be (I hope) quick. Most people smile when they are dancing, but not Steve. Steve counts, forcefully.

Jason Taylor and Edyta Sliwinska – so this is new (in case you haven’t heard the promos) – an NFL player that is actually an active player. Although I think that some people are willing to argue that the Dolphins are not really active. Anyway, he and Edyta seem to click and I think he has potential to do well, although I don’t think he will do nearly as well as Emmitt or Jerry (Rice). When do football teams start preseason?

Cristian de la Fuente and Cheryl Burke – who? Whatever. He’s OK. I don’t know who he is. Cheryl is clearly the celebrity here. Go Cheryl. I don’t see them in the finals…but they might hang on for a few weeks.

Adam Carolla and Julianne Hough – I love Julianne. Adam Carolla is a funny man with perhaps one of the most annoying voices. This pairing is a little creepy to me. Adam is sort of like a dirty old man. Julianne is a beautiful young woman. Draw your own conclusions. Anyway, the dancing, sorry Julianne. This will be over soon. No three-peat victory for you. I think that the producers did this to you on purpose. I just hope we get to see you for a while. Maybe Apollo or Helio will come back for a cameo (beyond just watching).

Mario and Karina Smirnoff – final three. I have no idea who he is, but he is a good dancer, good smile and seems to be willing to work hard. We already know that Karina is super competitive and does well with people named Mario. I think that the will do very well.

Shannon Elizabeth and Derek Hough – please go. I am tired of seeing Shannon on the poker circuit – I don’t think that she acts anymore, right? Derek, Derek, Derek. For as much as I love your sister, I cannot stand you. Sorry. I bet that you are probably a really nice guy, and the judges say that you are a great choreographer – but you bug me. This pair is middle of the road. Shannon will continue to work hard, but I don’t think they have the connection and “couple charisma” to win.

Marlee Matlin and Fabian Sanchez – I will not make any deaf jokes. As for people with disabilities – I appreciate that they can be on the show. Unfortunately I do not think they can win. That is not to say that Marlee is not a good actress, because she is. I think she is probably a good dancer, too. I just think that to win she needs to hear the music That being said – I’m not a dancer, so I really have no idea.

Priscilla Presley and Louis van Amstel – Louis came out of “retirement” for this…and I would probably do the same thing. Priscilla is a legend. She is actually a pretty good dancer, too. She is the oldest competitor in the history of the show. I really was pleasantly surprised with her Fox Trot in the first week. I think that she will pretty well. She’s not going to win, or make it to the finals…but she will have a strong showing.

Marissa Jaret Winokur and Tony Dovonlani – I think that the will do OK. Tony is a great teacher and Marissa has great stage presence. Marissa also seems to be having loads of fun. So I think they will make it far into the competition.

Monica Seles and Jonathon Roberts – sadly I think that Jonathon is also a great teacher – but Monica just cannot cut it. She is certainly competitive and fit enough, but she doesn’t appear to have the grace or the fan base compared to some of the other celebrities. I don’t think they will make it very far.

Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark Ballas – this ouple is top three as well. By my count I have two couples in the top three. It is clear that Kristi is leaps and bounds ahead of the other dancers. Her skating must have done something right. Her only big drawback to winning this season is her partner. I know it is not his first season…but he still seems so green.

So there you have it. Those are my thoughts for this season of DWTS. Tom and Samantha are their usual selves as are the judges. I did no watch the spinoff show, but fortunately it did not seem to spike Bruno and Carrie Anne’s egos past what they already were.

I am hoping for plenty of Kenny Mayne and Jimmy Kimmel this season.

DWTS - my picks

I have to keep this quick so I can walk the dog and get back to work. Ugh...I hate working at night...especially a DWTS night.

The final three is probably going to be (in no particular order) -

Helio Castroneves (he was really good)
Floyd Mayweather
Cheetah Girl

Now the last one really disturbs me - and I hope I am wrong. I think she is an "OK" dancer - but she is annoying. Really annoying. I also think that she will get a lot of votes from fans. Which is why I hate the fan vote. I also think that Cameron (the other Cheetah Girl from All My Children) will make it further because of the fan vote.

I would love to see Mark Cuban get somewhere...and he'll do OK. Sadly he won't get the fan base that he needs - and his hip will prove to be a bit of a problem.

I think that Helio and Julianne might get it done. They were really good. Floyd has skills/movement, too - if he can apply it. Jane Seymour - I'm still rooting for you...

DWTS - Season Five!!!

Surprisingly a lot of people have asked for my predictions on this season of DWTS. I have acquired some street cred after consistently naming the top 3 for the past 3 season. I’m not sure if I should be proud or embarrassed. Nah, I’m just kidding. Of course I am proud of such an important accomplishment.

Anyway, I digress. It’s not about me – it’s about the stars….and the dancers. Well, it’s more about the dancers – the lady dancers…but I digress again.

I will not make predictions in this post. I will make them after watching the men dance tomorrow. So for now I will talk about the contestants…

Lou Ferrigno – while technically not on the show this season there was a widespread rumor that he would be. I cannot even begin to tell you how much joy that would have brought me – and they need somebody with a significant disability this season. C’est la vie.

Jennie Garth/Kelly – well she still looks good. Didn’t see that one coming. She’s popped out three kids and still has good “hip action” according to Len. Her partner Derek Hough is leaving me wanting to punch him…but maybe he’ll grow on me (not literally).

Josie Maran – HOTT. Done and done. Alec Mazo – I’m not sure how you won first season with Slutty McSlutterson. You annoy me. But Josie is still HOTT.

Sabrina Bryan – who are you? I don’t really care. The only “Cheetahs” I have been to is a strip club…and I’m pretty sure that’s a different thing. And your professional partner – Mark Ballas…um…your name looks like “Balls.”

Marie Osmond – wow. Really? Really? I’m not sure how you are looking these days. I am tentatively going to say – not very good. But…I have no real basis for that. At least you have a great sense of humor. Jonathan Roberts – you still look like Tom Cruise in Top Gun to me.

Mel B/Scary – good to see your life is back together…I think. I’m sorry that I am going to miss the reunion this summer – but my actual job calls – so that sucks. Oh…and where did those boobs come from? Maksim – great to have you back…you always seem to have a good attitude.

Jane Seymour/Dr. Quinn – I would be so excited if you did well. Truly. The idea of Dr. Quinn winning this is fantastic. Tony – you are my favorite male dancer…I’m glad that you’re with the classy lady.

Mark Cuban – wha-what?!?!? Are you serious? Do you know how potentially AWESOME this is? You are funnier than Kenny Mayne – and you have so much more potential. I hope you take this somewhat seriously so that I can see your antics all season. By far the celebrity I am most excited about this season. Kym – Still cute…

Helio Castroneves – growing up in Indy I know your name. I know nothing about your personality – but you are partnered with Julianne. I heart Julianne almost as much as I heart Cheryl.

Cameron Mathison – are you a Cheetah girl too? Oh…you’re a dude? Whatever. Edyta – whatever.

Floyd Mayweather – I’m not really a boxing fan. I don’t really know much about you. I suspect you can kick Mario Lopez’s ass if he comes after you for putting your hands on Karina.

Cheryl Burke – I mean Wayne Newton…what to say here? Um – Cheryl – sorry about your partner. You got some alien. He’s more plastic than man. He’s so odd looking. ps – it’s time for a haircut girl. It is so much cuter when it is shorter.

Albert Reed – are you the third Cheetah Girl? Oh…Albert is clearly a boy name. Sorry – I just don’t know who you are. And you are paired with Anna – back from the good old days with Jerry Rice.

New interview room – a little less boudoir-ey. I’m not sure if I like it yet…but it really doesn’t matter what I think. So I guess it will do.

Drew Lachey – work on the color commentary. Are you still with your wife? Does she still look as bad as she did when you were on the show?

Samantha Harris – so you had that baby. Nice work. OK then…

Tom Bergeron – you haven’t changed…

Judges – you also haven’t changed…

The Bachelor – wow. You kind of look like a young Harrison Ford. I will be posting about your show later…