DWTS - Season Five!!!

Surprisingly a lot of people have asked for my predictions on this season of DWTS. I have acquired some street cred after consistently naming the top 3 for the past 3 season. I’m not sure if I should be proud or embarrassed. Nah, I’m just kidding. Of course I am proud of such an important accomplishment.

Anyway, I digress. It’s not about me – it’s about the stars….and the dancers. Well, it’s more about the dancers – the lady dancers…but I digress again.

I will not make predictions in this post. I will make them after watching the men dance tomorrow. So for now I will talk about the contestants…

Lou Ferrigno – while technically not on the show this season there was a widespread rumor that he would be. I cannot even begin to tell you how much joy that would have brought me – and they need somebody with a significant disability this season. C’est la vie.

Jennie Garth/Kelly – well she still looks good. Didn’t see that one coming. She’s popped out three kids and still has good “hip action” according to Len. Her partner Derek Hough is leaving me wanting to punch him…but maybe he’ll grow on me (not literally).

Josie Maran – HOTT. Done and done. Alec Mazo – I’m not sure how you won first season with Slutty McSlutterson. You annoy me. But Josie is still HOTT.

Sabrina Bryan – who are you? I don’t really care. The only “Cheetahs” I have been to is a strip club…and I’m pretty sure that’s a different thing. And your professional partner – Mark Ballas…um…your name looks like “Balls.”

Marie Osmond – wow. Really? Really? I’m not sure how you are looking these days. I am tentatively going to say – not very good. But…I have no real basis for that. At least you have a great sense of humor. Jonathan Roberts – you still look like Tom Cruise in Top Gun to me.

Mel B/Scary – good to see your life is back together…I think. I’m sorry that I am going to miss the reunion this summer – but my actual job calls – so that sucks. Oh…and where did those boobs come from? Maksim – great to have you back…you always seem to have a good attitude.

Jane Seymour/Dr. Quinn – I would be so excited if you did well. Truly. The idea of Dr. Quinn winning this is fantastic. Tony – you are my favorite male dancer…I’m glad that you’re with the classy lady.

Mark Cuban – wha-what?!?!? Are you serious? Do you know how potentially AWESOME this is? You are funnier than Kenny Mayne – and you have so much more potential. I hope you take this somewhat seriously so that I can see your antics all season. By far the celebrity I am most excited about this season. Kym – Still cute…

Helio Castroneves – growing up in Indy I know your name. I know nothing about your personality – but you are partnered with Julianne. I heart Julianne almost as much as I heart Cheryl.

Cameron Mathison – are you a Cheetah girl too? Oh…you’re a dude? Whatever. Edyta – whatever.

Floyd Mayweather – I’m not really a boxing fan. I don’t really know much about you. I suspect you can kick Mario Lopez’s ass if he comes after you for putting your hands on Karina.

Cheryl Burke – I mean Wayne Newton…what to say here? Um – Cheryl – sorry about your partner. You got some alien. He’s more plastic than man. He’s so odd looking. ps – it’s time for a haircut girl. It is so much cuter when it is shorter.

Albert Reed – are you the third Cheetah Girl? Oh…Albert is clearly a boy name. Sorry – I just don’t know who you are. And you are paired with Anna – back from the good old days with Jerry Rice.

New interview room – a little less boudoir-ey. I’m not sure if I like it yet…but it really doesn’t matter what I think. So I guess it will do.

Drew Lachey – work on the color commentary. Are you still with your wife? Does she still look as bad as she did when you were on the show?

Samantha Harris – so you had that baby. Nice work. OK then…

Tom Bergeron – you haven’t changed…

Judges – you also haven’t changed…

The Bachelor – wow. You kind of look like a young Harrison Ford. I will be posting about your show later…